Darn those Fingernats!

In the epic Couch Potato Wars, there holds fast the saying that, “all men die but some die on their couches watching something stupid on television”.
This was doubly so for Mr. Highbrow Fallutino, an acid stargazer from Fort Wayne, Colorado. He logged in 196,884 hours of nonstop couch-potatoing, to beat his rival, the enigmatic Lewy Frige of Dayton, Ohio, who died in his 196,876th hour during an episode of the Brady Bruins, a spinoff involving bears and an insane zookeeper named Helie. It is believed he died of fatness.
Mr. Fallutino died at the beginning of his 196,885th hour after refusing to relinquish control of the remote and the gummy-Kong burger that he had been eating on for over 74 hours. Gummy-Kong burgers weigh in at 44 lbs.
Mr. Fallutino died of ‘Ear Tears’ a rare condition of the aural aorta that is triggered by too many commercial jingles and/or sewer contaminates in the fingernats. Mr. Fallutino’s apartment was infested with fingernats. And sewage. He was 25 years old.