Maldi Tofferi

There was a beautiful shriek in the middle of the night, as though a lovely woman had suddenly had her sheer nightgown ripped away in the cold corridor by the lumberjackian paper man with the black beard and the straw hat and she was startled and embarassed but oddly pleased at the same time. It was like that but it wasn't that. I was actually the sound of the old barn gate, moving with the urges of the wind and occasionally causing the cat to stir.
What was the cat stirring? Milk and blood orange juice, which was its favorite thing to have before going to the bedroom.
It sat down at the dumpy stump where there used to be a trickle tree and the swishy swing did hang, and lapped the mixture. Lap lap lap lappity lap lap lap.
It was all gone and the cat was feeling bloated and harsh, so it went for a quick stroll and then the gate made a sudden crash to closed. This made the cat lose alot of that mixture around it, and it therefor felt much less bloated.
It went to the bedroom, and I said, "no don't gome hin her." I was tired and halfway asleep, but the cat understood.
But the cat understood. But the cat understood. But the cat...under...stood...but...the...cat......
When I awoke, I found a golden star of Elija on my doorframe and a note:
irma sryeha thao iaw woowke yu uppa lasst niet. -cayat
Dang, I felt bad for being to harsh to the cat, but then I remembered that I actually wasn't that harsh, just stern and afterall, it understood.

Mitheare Grujame

Here's a collection of archaic nursery rhymes. They have lost some of their meaning over the years, as cultures have changed and some of the concepts do not translate. They are all meant to be sung in chant.

Down by the giddy fly giddy fly giddy fly
Down by the giddy fly early in the light.
I saw a sandy man, staching hand, in the sand
I saw a mad intent breaking through the sight.
All around the elderbush, elderbush, elderbush, el dur UR UR BUSH!
All around the elderbush is fancy dancing toes.
Whose toes are the dancing toes, dancing toes, dancing toes TOE!
They are ours. ARE OURS. ARE OURS. ARE OUCH!!!

The wind is a madam, spanking and coddling.
The water a baby, drinking and flowing,
The sky is a majesty, yelling and frowning,
And I am a pepper tree, yeilding and dying.

How many times will the old bad man?
One to three or four to seven!
And how many times will his children, then?
Never never never never they are GOD.


Hickelty spickellty noddledy doo.
Hop the planeterum.
Cat and horeses, oh what the hell?
Let's get all f28 on ourselves, right?
Oooook. Oook. Uhhhh. Ik. Ok.
O.K.

Megatone Co.

The Megatone Corporation, or as it is informally referred to as, Toney, was created in 1950 in Tucson, Arizona by Loo and Dyna Wick, two daughters of the great jazz bassist Judy Wick. Originally created to be an outlet for up-and-coming female bass players, both in the classical style and in the jazz branches, Toney soon became the premier record embalming company of the southwest. In the early 1950's records were printed on wax, which often caused what was referred to as "droopage" when the record was played for too long or in too hot an environment, such as an attic or a cafeterium. The wax would literally begin to melt, causing the notes and consequently the songs to slip into lower keys, i.e. from a key of G to F# to F, etc. Soon, songs were being played in nasty keys like C and this caused much fury in the purist music circles. Toney essentially squelched this problem by embalming records with the state-of-the-art space polymer polychloroethylamine. This coating eliminated the problem with droopy wax records and at the same time introduced an etherial "dolphin chorus" sound to the background of any record it was applied to. This became wildly popular with the youth of the day and many recoding engineers and producers attempted to imitate the sound on their own recordings. None could successfully do it, so the Megatone corporation flourished until about 1963 when it became suddenly unanimously realized that such a dolphin chorus sound is actually quite annoying.

algorithm hatred against me, actually

so in an effort to make this blog more conventional, so that in might avoid being targeted by anti-spam algorithms, I will post something that I ususally do not. First person journaling of my everyday mundane existance.
Yesterday I rode my bike and I saw a bird and I saw a tree and it was green and the bird sat on it and then there was a woman with no hands trying to fit this coller over her dog, who kept saying, "look, nanna, I just don't feel like walking today, I mean..."
No, actually I just rode my bike there was not a bird or a tree or a woman, but there were two dogs and they are my dogs and they were doing very boring things like sleeping.
One is black and white and one is white and brown.
I ate toast and played the drums and tried to play a song on the drums and found out that I am a lousy drummer.
I went to work and had a boring-unproductive day because I did twice the binning that I meant to do on the on-off assay and screwed the whole thing up. Even at 800 times magnification I could not see anything. It was less than one pixel.
There is a book on my record player and I put it there and I enjoy it being there.
I found that book on the street last week and it is the best find I've had in a long time. Maybe the best find ever, because it is in such good shape and is from 1985.
I ate barbeque chips at one point.
I had a piece of strawberry cheescake at another.
I went to the store. There were things for sale, but not what I wanted, just mostly trash and bad music and horrible video games and lousy tv series on dvd.
There was a camera and a phone in a fish tank and this was to prove that they are both water-proof? They could just have been broken sitting in the water, and I think that they probably didn't work. Else they would have been taking pictures and calling people. And they had this other camera that could tell when you are smiling and automatically take a picture. But it never took a picture of me because I never smiled because I thought that was an awfully stupid trick. Just inane.
And all the technology of the past 50 years has boiled down to twittering inane comments constantly whilst becoming more and more isolated, insulated and generally inconsequential.
I had a better post for this day but...what a hypocritical thing to do anyhow, maintain the [blog].

Stapler, the

The stapler is a contrite invention that works on the basis of allowed bending. Essentially, all a stapler does is hold a tiny piece of paper still long enough for a wire to slip into it and bend into a less sterically hindered formation. The wire that is used is paramagnetic, and therefore acts funny. It will bend when allowed, to try and fix those electron problems that it has built up. If you know Paul Lee's exclusion principle, you know that an electron will never be next to another electron unless the metal that both of them inhabit (which itself is just a huge, slow electron) is bent. So in a paramagnetic material, which again means we have face-to-face electron conversation 'happening', the bending of the metal spontaneously occurs, and the rate is on the order of femtoseconds. So when this bending is allowed to proceed, any organic material that has a soft penetation coefficient (like paper or skin or tissue) will be pierced by the relaxing metal and held in a place.
Staplers simply provide the framework for this to occur.
The first stapler was engineered by Gilbert Pziak in 1902, and was actually ten yards long and weighed over thirty tons! This was to house the supermagnets that were needed to keep the paramagneto-metal from bending before time. Nowadays, we use small staplers with nanomagnets which are about the size of the largest atoms.
A good stapler will retail for anywhere from 10,000 to 100,000 dollars, but there are many cheaper staplers that have saturated the market.

Clovers/Clovernoises

In the wet wild beyond the mountains, but before the coast, in Bazzis
by way, there are several thousand species of clover. Not to be
confused with the plant, these clovers are actually self-autonomous
green pulpy ears. Growing on stalks and otherwise looking quite
inconspicuous. Are they plant or animal? Well, that is like asking if a
king is man or monster. It depends on whom you ask and who the
king actually is. In reality, they do nothing but listen and reflect
sound, much the same way a bat does these things, only they don't
fly and they only drink blood through their roots (as all plants do
when they have the opportunity). Why are there so many species?
Because they must be catagorized according to a differentiating
characteristic, namely the sound that they produce. And it seems
that each produces a distinct sound. This makes for as many species
as one can find (hear). They are not loud, in the same way that a fox
is not loud. But if you have a field of foxes, then maybe you notice
them more. Consequently, these wetlands can be quite ripe with
what are called 'clovernoises' and are sparsely inhabited with
human, except by those who's hearing is already slim, or else crazy
people with elephants. Elephants actually quite enjoy the
clovernoises, and they like the way the clovers taste.
As well they should. Clovers have twice the daily dose of vitamin A
and isoleucine that is typically ingested. They taste chalky, but in a
good way [source needed] and are often utilized in pies and stews
(like peaches). They don't naturally grow outside of Bazzis, but of
course there are some in Antorionight because...well that is obvious.

Toucan, the

The toucan is a wild bird that inhabits most climates, but especially humid tree forests and wilderlands. It is characterized by its beak and shiney feathers and painted face and feathered tongue.
Many people are aware that the toucan has a feathered tongue. This causes many people to have alarm and fear of the toucan, which is ill-founded. The tongue is indeed feathered, but this does not pose a threat to humans. The tongue actually acts as a "dehumidifier" and keeps the beak of the bird perpetually dry, so that it can *snap* up berries and insects, such as weevels and cockroaches and sand gnats and flies.
The toucan was discovered in 1354 by the Polish scientist Odos Bopoliski, whilst on a fishing expedition in the south Atlantic, off of the coast of what was then called Igna Tera. He called the peculiar creature a toucan because of the shape of its beak and the funny sound it made. "Click, Clack, Hov-hov-hov-hee"
When he discovered the feathered tongue whisping about, he immediately deseased the toucan out of pure terror, and thus began the untrue facts concerning toucan danger that are so widely circulated in western culture, especially the inner cites like Paris and Cleveland.
Toucans actually are similar in many ways to flying saucers, in that many people fear them, but most of those people don't believe in them, and most other people just like to watch movies about them.
The toucan is a symbol of youth and good luck and autonomy and entirety in some cultures. Some famous toucans are Archiest and Ifaroc, who was actually a scientist. There was another toucan named Robin, who had a larger-than-normal beak.

Moruvian Mind Skaters

Just think of them in terms of size. They are dust-sized things- actually just priests from Moru with teal tunics and skates on their feet. Not ice-skates, but mind-skates as it were, and when inhaled, or introduced into the body through an open vein or other portal, they travel via the blood right up to the brain, where they skate around and around chanting hymns of Moru. And it is well known what happens to a brain that is carved up by tiny skates- it oozes and bleeds. And this is generally very bad, but it also produces some intense optical effects for the inflicted. So the Moruvian mind skaters are a sort of recreational drug, but they usually cause bad in the end because even though the body will eventually rid them, if one continually uses them for stimulus, they will cause great harm.
How did these priests get to be so small? It is all some sort of magic and not wholly on the up-and-up.
There are regular-sized priests of Moru, sure, but they are not nearly as interesting (or abused).
How can there be so many of them? Some sort of duplication function, when the size goes so small, the matter has to go somewhere, so they multiply over so many times to equal the original mass...one priest makes a heck of a lot of mind skaters.
It is said that H'jima Kooz, the famous avant-garde posterizer, was on mind skaters almost always and that is why he died so young. But really, he died in the uprising of Kane, so who knows, right? It is, however, almost surely why his posters were so intense and incomprehensible.

Internal Combustion Engine, The

The internal combustion engine was first a proposed mechanical endeavor by the great Egyptian thinker Rmas, in the thirty-third century, BC.
It was intially a design based mainly upon the internal combustion of foodstuffs, and involved several reed levers, microbial workforces, and pully-systems, not unlike the human body. It was lost during one of the great floods and was not re-invented until many centuries later.
In the end of the 19th century, the French physicist Rene Freaux-Chantelle proposed the modern combustion engine, but with the combustion occuring externally, in a molded polymer balloon. This idea persisted for many years until Ron Bland, the technitian at Belle Labs in Okefor, Alabama came to place the combustion of fuel within the engine itself, thus birthing the first interal combustion engine. The engine works on the basic property of stress-relief. When a suitable fuel is combusted, which essentially means it is 'rubbed raw' on a molecular level, the resulting change in stress properties causes a domino-effect of action-reaction pairs, with the end result the turning of an axel or the moving of a gear. There are components within the internal combustion engine that are called pistons and generally act the same way the pully-lever system designed by Rmas did. When a piston stretches to relieve the stress of a recent combustion, the resulting pressure gap causes the gear or the axel to turn. Sort of like a tiny black hole, but made of metal (usually platinum or sodium because of their relatively inert properties). But what about fuel? Any thing can serve as fuel, so long as it can fit in the combustion chamber and can provide the appropriate degrees of freedom for proper combustion (rubbing) to occur. "So can a chicken be fuel?" Ha, ha. Good question, but actually, yes, if the chicken is dynamic (flexible) enough. But using sentient beings as fuel has long been debated, especially among the elderly.

Hay Leajk

Leajk, Hay
This person was actually a correspondant with the last of the Memonto brothers, before he disappeared into the great west ocean. It was established between the two that there would be an increasing, and then a decreasing amount of correspondance before the ocean would engulf his existence. This is actually exactly what happened.
It came to be that this Memonto, named Mattheu, heard a calling from a tree that said, "go west, young snake"
He took the road to the west and settled outside Rio Lindo California and soon found that he could take bus rides to various places, such as the beach and the sea and the mountains. The bus to the sea is actually a duck bus or amphibious bus or frog bus, depending on the company in operation.
But after doing these bus rides, and spending 4-8 hours every night/morning in industrial-park techno clubs, Mattheu was burnt out. And he told this to Hay Leajk, who in turn suggested that he return home. But he decided that he could not go back to the place of the dryness, as he thought that it would affect his brain in an irreversible way. So instead he went for a long, lonely swim, and it is assumed that this is where he met his end.
While in California, he wrote a series of songs on his recorder called the moods of the day songs. There was a total of ten songs, for various times of the day. They were called:
The bus honks me awake but it honks not for me
I smell toast in the alley
That dog and that woman is sweaty
How did the wind get here so fast?
Who is that shoe salesman in the window?
I eat organ
This is getting pink outside, but it is a false warning
Now is blue
The stoops are still warm, but...
Clock is tired and I am sad