My friend Yim

Dear Dad and Alice,
Boy is college is sure is hard.
I have made some new friends, and one is named Juair. I might visit their families over vacation, I don't know.
Actually, I have a lot of work to do.
There's hard classes I'm taking, like math and oncology and Roman lit.
I guess probly the hardest class I'm taking is Entymology in Religion. It's taught by Dr. Koan, and he's very ruthless about late fees and such.
And I have a paper due in a few days over the Exegesis Butterfly, whatever that is.
I think college is good, though, because I get to stretch my mind.
That sounds funny, though, as if the mind is a muscle. Wait. I can't remember, maybe it is a muscle.
Ugh. I'll take Muscle Science when I'm a sophomore.
Then I'll tell you guys what's what.
Oh, and that first sentence is called a Zyme- I learned it in my Lyt. Shyt. class- It's when you can't decide what to say, so you say it all at the same time. It's usually a sign of a great thinker. I think Hemingway did it a lot, but he was too conservative with it usually.
Hemingway was a fisherman, actually, and he drove ambuli.
That's the plural for ambulance. Wow, huh?
I'll be home in March, I think.
I miss you and such.
love, Yim

Do Blonde People earn less than other people?

A recent study done by the Performing Arts Center at Coulombia University finds that yes, blonde people on average earn about $120,000.000 less than other people.
Kiley Manna, a hairdresser in Grove, Florida, says, "I earn only 30,000 dollers a year, and that's after tips and taxes."

Michael Teeks, a software engineer for Deldara in Quebec says, "I earn triple figures. I'm not comfortable telling more information. But I've been in this company for over thirteen years, and I have two PhD's and I can speak French."

"Kiley is blonde, Michael is something else, but it doesn't matter- actually he's bald, but his eyebrows suggest that he has dark hair at one point. There is a huge difference here, and I think it has got to stop now!" says Director Langly Faluk, the head of the Center.

When asked about how many interviews he and the center performed in total, Mr. Faluk replied, "This is not funny."

When asked about how gender played into this percieved pay gap, Mr. Faluk replied, "We have found that gender is not so high a factor as the blondeness. There was a woman in Germaine, Ohio who was vitrually a millionaire, and she had grey hair."

Watchdog group WATCHDOGG, has made comments about this recent study:
"We are watching," said WATCHDOGG president Omara Nancy. "And when we see something, we generally report it."

Kindred Waterfrown, an owner of a general-everything chain of stores in Northern Illinois called Generally EVerything, has made this comment about the study: "We hope that it is true enough to cause people to want to buy hair dye because we sell that, and it's right up at the front next to the buggy flowers."

If and When

The Late Great Lincoln Sanjip said:
If and when I die, I want the world to sigh
Relief and sadness both are bound
With tears and smiling eyes.
Some will cheer, some will sneer
Some will clap their hands.
Some will notice, others not,
Some will strike up the local band and (play Gsus/C)
If and when I pass through the skeleton gate,
I will relenquish all my hate
All regrets I hold so dear,
All ideas and hopes and fears,
And take up the path of YARR Ak!
(here's where things suddenly turn black
And I go floating in the night-
like a ghost crossed with a kite,
And spend my days in some great mirth,
and soon forget about this earth).

Well, that about sums it up.

That Crazy Animal You

By: Aldridge McCarthy
(not yet illustrated)

Did you know that you are an animal?
It's true!
Maybe not a tusky snuffler or a horny rammer or a slippery flipper,
but you are an animal.
And what a crazy animal, too!
Did you know that your body is 95% water?
That's right- if you don't drink enough water, you'll EVAPORATE.
That means die.
But don't worry- you can get water from the food you eat, and from the air-
that's why you sweat: to make room for more water.
And what about food?
Your body can process any organic compound.
That means you can eat anything!
Just make sure your tongue likes it first.
And speaking of tongues, did you know that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body?
It feeds on things called 'proteins' but you don't need to worry about that-
your body makes enough 'protiens' to power an entire city for one year!
Just like other animals, your body gets sick and tired.
This is because of a lack of sleep and too much dirty air.
Your lungs, which are like huge leathery socks, can filter any air, except dirty air.
This air makes its way into your cells and makes them scream.
Cells are like tiny people inside you, and when they scream, you scream.
What a crazy animal!
And what about bones and waste products?
Well your bones are made of elements like calcium and marrow, and of course water.
When you break one, it must somehow exit the body- that's what your blood is for!
Blood moves trash- like broken bones- through mazes called arteyries and into the heart, where they are digested.
No, not like food, silly! Food gets digested in the stomach and the colon.
The heart is for digesting trash and sending it out of the body.
But how? That's what pores and other holes in your body are for.
When a strange odor or paste comes out, it's like taking out the trash!
When animals get edgy, they reproduce.
This means that they attach to one another, in a good way.
You will do this too, when your hormone comes out.
A hormone is basically a psychologial stimulant that make you icky.
You'd be better off to just do what it says.
If you don't, you'll build up what's called lactose, which is another word for poison.
And finally: the brain.
The brain is like soup, all held up in the skull.
That's why you get so dizzy when you spin- your brain is getting blended!
Oh, my! What a crazy idea.
No other animal is quite like this.
No other animal is that crazy animal you!

Mr. Skullmoon

Mr. Skullmoon man: he's got a moon like a skull; he's got a skull like the moon.
Mr. Skullmoon man: his skull's got craters and it glows at night.
Mr. Skullmoon man: the moon looks like a skull he says: the aliens look out of the eyesockets.
Mr. Skullmoon man: he's got plans like Arabian sands- they don't go away.
One time is all you need to be one of the people who believe.
Mr. Skullmoon man, won't you tell me of your master plan to make the world okay?
Mr. Skullmoon man, your grade is top and professional and you've got all the connections.

Optimum Hossum

Every band has a need to explode the ears of the wealthy. And yes, impoversh the numbed-at-mind youth with concert tix in the high high 50's. And every once in a while, a band will take your socks off and it's worth it. How can I describe this? How can I make you understand the awesomeness that oozed, filled my lung canals and made me cough insanity rainbows for three full days? I did. You should have been there. This concert was so incredible, I don't even believe that I exist anymore because I was there and I can't believe it. The band is called Snack Cavern. They sound like a train is made of musical notes, and it rails through your arteries and kicks your heart. Then their singer, whose name is Buise or something, sings like a wild chimp with a man's voice. It awes. First off, they played all this feedback and like they were just warming up, or that there was a problem or something- like they kept talking to each other whilst leaning back, and then yelling at someone off stage, and this went on for like ten minutes, and then they slowly suddenly started to play and it was, like I said, a machine gun of notes and mostly the same one. They probably played for about twenty minutes or an hour or something, and then they talked with the crowd and the drummer THREW AN EMPTY BOTTLE of something, I didn't catch it but he JUST THREW IT! Oh, man, it was so insane- the guitar solos were like ne ne neee ne neee ne ne neeee! and then something would happen and there would be this loud humming drone and the lights would flicker and they'd say well that's all for that song.
Wow.
I think they even were selling their music in the back, where that girl with the eye pierce was.
Oh, my goodness, I want to see them again. AAAAA! Ok ok, so like I was saying, they played probly ten or so songs and talked a little bit, and it was so woa.
2.5/10 stars.

innercept

We intercepted this message a few hours ago.
Between the two typists, one of whom is obviously less in skill.
I have the feeling we need to address this question.
Therws too much of it happening and we need the power of ith Authoritye.
I can get approval, I just need funding.
The real problem is there is just too mch lumgereina happeing.
What.The...
Lumbering, happening in the regions of these guys going bye, I meena.
Yes, well it's because of stride capacity. Stride capacity is twice the step capacity of the average lope, so that equals lumber.
And they have the smeall of indecency.
Obviously.
I just wasnt pece and guiqt,
Well, one of those might be a good thing to have.
You know ehat I mens.
Look, here's the plan, we gotta grind down the local steps, then send them on their way, to trip and fall!
Inigmatic!
...?

This message was intercepted by our spies, as they were walking in the early morning cyberspace.
All guilty parties will be invasculated, and retrained.